Something better than empathy
“Until we have had a similar experience, I don’t think we can truly empathize with someone else.”
I wrote that in 2022 as I reflected on empathy up close. Because I was focused on empathy and compassion as the keys to unlocking the world.
Fast forward to 2024 (and just this past week), I realized I was wrong. I was on the right track though – when I said “I don’t think we can truly empathize with someone else.”
Let me explain.
I experienced a pivotal moment in reading the following statement by Ellen Langer in The Mindful Body:
“If the way we understand and feel about information is the cumulative result of our life's experience, then, having lived my life and not yours, I cannot really know how you feel.”
I will never look at empathy the same way.
In fact, there is one thing I never want to say again: “I feel your pain”.
Because the pain I feel is my pain, not your pain. It may be in response to your pain, but it is certainly not your pain.
Luckily, I don’t have to spend too much more thought on this (apart from completely rewriting that part of my draft book — good thing I’m in the process of rewriting it anyway).
Because I found something better than empathy. It’s actually all about being mindful – which requires me to be present – by noticing what I didn't know before. I love how Ellen Langer explains this:
“What then is to be learned from walking in another's moccasins? Rather than believe that now, after presumably taking the other’s perspective, we really know what it feels like to be another, the walk could reveal how much we didn't know before. If we did this often enough, we’d be more likely to ask people what they want and need, and trust their answers rather than assume we know.”
By trusting the other person’s answers, we influence how that person feels.
And that is the only thing that other person will remember, according to Maya Angelou who said:
“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
By mindfully observing you, you will feel seen. For example, I can look for nonverbal body language and facial expressions.
By mindfully listening to you, you will feel heard. I can actually hear the words you say as well as what you might be trying to say… then I can validate my understanding by rephrasing what I hear back to you. You can tell me whether I heard you correctly or not.
By mindfully acknowledging your contribution, you will feel valued. For example, if I see you shine or be energized in certain work or situations, I can let you know that. And then I can work on expanding those opportunities for you to shine and be energized.
Is being mindful easy to do? Is it easy to always look for something we didn’t know before? If we were a dog, it would be. Did you know some believe dogs to have neophilia – a strong preference for new scents?
Humans, on the other hand, are attracted to familiar scents. So, no, this won’t be easy.
I know for a fact that being mindful is not easy to do all the time. It does get easier, though, as I work on making mindfulness a habit – and a supportive habit at that.
You might wonder what the rewards are for being mindful. Why should you even try? Let me tell you just a little bit more.
When I feel seen, heard and valued by someone who is mindful of me, I am improving my physical and psychological health. When I am mindful and make someone else feel seen, heard and valued, I am improving their physical and psychological health as well as my own.*
That makes being mindful a win-win situation in that case.
Wouldn’t you agree?
That, to me, is something way better than empathy.
*There is a growing body of research to support this – just don’t take my word for it. Ellen Langer references not only her own body of work but the work of others.
Resources
Langer, Ellen. 2024. The Mindful Body: Thinking Our Way to Chronic Health. New York: Ballantine Group.
Begeti, Faye. 2024. The Phone Fix. London, UK: Head of Zeus Ltd.
Image taken by Tammy Brimner
