Beneath the conflict
Conflict is inevitable and can't be avoided, no matter how hard I try.
It’s no wonder though, when I stop to think about it.
To illustrate, perhaps you might enjoy part of Dina Hashem’s comedy routine from her her Dark Little Whispers show:
I’ve come to accept being misunderstood. It’s just a part of, like, putting your voice out into the world. It’s actually a miracle that we understand each other at all, right? Like when I’m talking to you now, it’s not just me talking. It’s everyone who’s ever put a thought or idea into my head. Every experience I’ve ever had. Anyone who has ever hurt me. That’s all coming out. And then when you listen, it’s not just you listening. It’s everyone who has put an idea or a thought into your head. And you’re interpreting me with all of that going on. So, even in just one conversation it’s like we’re talking with 1000 mouths and hearing with 1000 ears, and yet we somehow still manage to understand each other and that’s beautiful. And when we don’t understand each other, you could always send a death threat.
Remember, she is a comedian. I certainly don’t condone death threats!
But seriously, every single person has a unique life, with a brain shaped by genetics, socioeconomic factors, and different life experiences, as Dr. Faye Begeti will tell you.
Add to the mix the fact that the majority of people act out of self-interest.
When you put all of that into a workplace, it makes for a very interesting experience for everyone, and conditions ripe for conflict.
For leaders, I know there is at least one person on their team who pushes their buttons or drives them crazy on a regular basis. Sometimes it's a new pattern that's developing, like one experience I had. Other times, it's a regular occurrence.
Conflict is easier to manage, however, when I know more about the other individual. I can observe their behavior in the workplace. I can listen to how they speak and the words they use. I might glean insight from what others say. I can see how they interact with others. I can look for patterns.
Bill Eddy coined the term “high conflict personalities” which might describe those people. He identified four behaviors of these high conflict personalities:
Blaming others
All or nothing thinking
Unmanaged emotions, such as intense fear, anger, yelling or disrespect in person or online.
Extreme behaviors:
This may include shoving or hitting, spreading rumors or outright lies, trying to have obsessive contact and keep track of your every move – or refusing to have any contact at all, even though you may be depending on them to respond. Many of their extreme behaviors are related to losing control over their emotions, such as suddenly throwing things or making very mean statements to those they care about the most. Other behaviors are related to an intense drive to control or dominate those closest to them, such as hiding your personal items, keeping you from leaving a conversation, threatening extreme action if you don’t agree, or physically abusing you.
Such individuals have another thing in common: Their ability to make decisions is hampered significantly because they are overwhelmed, and can’t see their involvement in the conflict.
When I first learned about Eddy’s work and approach, I was struck by how some of these individuals (but not all) have an undiagnosed personality disorder, while all would share similar traits:
Mental health professionals have identified ten personality disorders. Five of these have a tendency to become HCPs: those with narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, paranoid, and histrionic personality disorders or traits.
In recent years, I have a growing understanding of what else might underpin serious conflict in the workplace, besides personality disorders.
Let’s take a look at what else could be beneath the conflict.
1) There are those who are or might be on the autism spectrum. My friend was recently diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum disorder (ASD). He shared with me how he was a constant thorn in his manager’s side because he often challenged his decisions. He has an eye for detail and can cut to the heart of any matter quickly – faster than his former manager could. He now knows he has a gift for seeing the world differently and can work effectively on his own, where he can also manage his energy and his environment.
2) There are those who have or might have ADHD. Such individuals will struggle at one aspect of their job or with colleagues/supervisor interpersonal relationships. They, as well as those with ASD and introverts, need a quiet work environment as over-stimulation does not bring out their best.
3) There are those who have had significant adverse childhood experiences and have not yet worked through their trauma. Such individuals might also struggle at work with learning and behavior, and have unstable relationships.
4) There are those who aren’t aware of their creative instincts or their “conation”, and whether they need a change in roles or how they perform those roles. When we don’t work with our creative instincts, we end up with what Kathy Kolbe calls “conative conflict – stress resulting from natural differences in how people function”. (I talked about Kathy Kolbe’s work on conation in a previous post.)
When I am not at my best, my worst has a chance to come out – and trust me, I am not pretty when that happens.
What can I do as the leader to manage conflict situations?
First of all, I need to be clear this is not my job to diagnose or to fix the other person. I don’t need to know what is beneath the conflict – unless that person wants to tell me.
Instead, I can be curious about what that individual needs to be at their best.
Do they need help to make a decision?
Do they need a change in environment?
Do they need a change in roles?
Do they need a change in how they work?
I can then decide what I can change or control to help that individual show up at their best.
How am I showing up right now?
How do I want to show up right now?
Do I need to take a moment before I respond?
What action(s) do I need to take right now? If I’m noticing the four common behaviors of a high-conflict personality, I can implement the BIFF approach.
Who do I need to talk to before I take any action?
What else can I be curious about?
There are probably other questions you can explore depending on your situation but hopefully these get you off to a great start.
As my understanding expands, my empathy and compassion expands. I can’t possibly know what is driving the conflict for another person – I can only control how I respond. If I start with empathy and compassion, then my response has a better chance of managing the conflict, rather than making it worse.
Resources
Begeti, Faye. 2024. The Phone Fix. London, UK: Head of Zeus, Ltd.
Eddy, Bill. 2011. BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email, and Social Media Meltdowns. Scottsdale, AZ: Unhooked Books.
Kolbe, Kathy. 2011. Conative Connection: Uncovering the Link Between Who You Are and How You Perform. Smashwords Edition.
Image: Canva Magic Media
