Empathy Up Close

As I lived through a number of new experiences where my mobility was hampered, the pain I felt, dealing with different health practitioners, an ambulance ride and an overnight stay in an emergency department, it made me think about what pure empathy is.

We often say we empathise with someone’s experience or situation. But empathy is actually more than that: 

“Empathy is not connecting to an experience. Empathy is connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience.” -- Brené Brown

Until we have had a similar experience, I don’t think we can truly empathise with someone else.

Let me give you an example: 

One of the impacts of my bike crash was having my mobility hampered for almost 3 weeks as I mentioned in Challenging the Typical. I first needed a cane or assistance to walk from the bed to the bathroom. Then I could walk on my own, but every step was painful and I could only move very slowly. 

I was getting a glimpse of what others go through either temporarily as they heal from an injury or regularly because of what their body is or what it has become.

Previously I felt empathy for what it must be like to be older and unable to move quickly. But now that I have that experience, I feel a different kind of empathy.

This makes me think there might be two kinds of empathy:

The empathy we use from a distance and the empathy we use from up close.

As I continued to explore empathy, I learned that our brains feel empathy in the same part as we feel pain. So “I feel your pain” is actually quite literal! Maybe this is my empathy up close.

Compassion, on the other hand, feels different (painless) and shows up in the cognitive part of our brain. Maybe this is my empathy from a distance.

In contrast to empathy, compassion does not mean sharing the suffering of the other: rather, it is characterized by feelings of warmth, concern and care for the other, as well as a strong motivation to improve the other’s wellbeing. Compassion is feeling for and not feeling with the other. --Tanya Singer and Olga M. Klimecki

That last statement is helpful to understand the difference between empathy and compassion. Empathy is feeling with the other, while compassion is feeling for the other.

Feeling the pain of another is like putting your hand on a hot stove. You don’t want to stay there! A more helpful transition is to move from empathy to compassion – because we will be motivated to improve the wellbeing of the other person.

So the question for you is this:

Do you want me to share in your suffering or do you want to feel my warmth, concern and care, knowing I have your wellbeing in focus?

It is your choice.

Resources: 

Brown, B. (2018). Dare to lead: brave work, tough conversations, whole hearts. New York: Random House. P. 18.

Singer, Tanya and Olga M. Klimecki. 2014. Empathy and compassion. Current Biology. Volume 24, Issue 18, 22 September 201: Pages R875-R878.

Photo: Canva