Provocateurs
Shiba and me on our latest road trip
This journal post used to be called Triggers. I was reminded about how the word “trigger” can be a trigger for those living with trauma. After a long deliberation with myself, I have chosen the word “provocateurs”. The Cambridge Dictionary defines this as “someone who intentionally causes arguments or discussions, or intentionally makes other people feel angry, offended, or uncomfortable.” In this instance, my “someone” isn’t intentional doing this but I am interpreting these actions as intentional.
My journey with anxiety continues to be illuminating … and exhausting. There are good days and then there are other days.
Regardless of the type of day, I am remaining curious about myself and my body’s reactions. I am learning to listen more carefully to my body.
Today I want to explore provocateurs – my provocateurs, that is.
You might recall the story about my reaction to the border security guard from my last journal post.
What was it about that question which set me off earlier this spring? What kind of danger was my security team afraid of?
Roll forward to recent weeks when I have been asking my anxious security team what I should pay attention to whenever they get upset.
It became clear to me that my team is worried, more often than not, about my reputation and not being believed or respected.
I began to explore certain words that are provocateurs for me today on our latest road trip (while being nurtured by Shiba and Bun Bun the entire way – I wonder what passers-by thought when Shiba happened to put his head near the window?). Let’s just say I felt safe to explore this with my husband, along with my nurture support team.
“So how is retirement?” This has been a common question ever since I left employment at UBC in December 2019 after 25 years.
My chest clenches and my breath quickens. My security team screams, “How dare you say I’m retired!”
“It’s nice you can work on your hobbies.” Or statements like that.
My security team screams, “How dare you say these are hobbies!”
My responses to the speakers have varied, but rarely have I been happy with myself. Luckily my security team uses my inside voice.
What is about those words that set me off?
Let’s unpack this a little.
I don’t see myself as retired. Just because I am no longer working for someone else doesn’t mean I am retired! We all need to stay active and engaged for our wellbeing. This doesn’t mean the work I am doing right now is any less valuable. The beauty of my life is that it is no longer 9 to 5 (can you hear Dolly Parton sing?) and only Monday through Fridays. My life is full every day. Our running joke is we will stop working when we die.
I also don’t see my photography, or writing, or leadership consulting as hobbies. My heart and soul is going into this work. My dear husband who is able to hone in on a logical perspective was quick to point out none of this work is providing enough income to sustain my living needs – which looks like hobbies. Fair point. “At least not yet,” I pointed out. I know he has my back and I am grateful..
We went on to discuss how I could come up with a phrase that is my go-to response whenever I hear those provocateurs. Such a phrase would allow me to position myself in the best possible light and would not make the other person feel bad for saying it.
I really like this idea and am working on finding that phrase. That would be a good stress reducer, right? Of course, this will only help if I increase my window of tolerance and listen to my body.
This journey is not over but I feel like I am making progress.
Image: Tammy Brimner
