Uncovering Wretched Habits

This is just a distraction.

I walked up to the tall front desk at the spa for my 5pm manicure appointment. I had arrived 30 minutes early as required, filled with anticipation and high expectations. It had been months since my last manicure.

The young woman behind the desk greeted me with warm efficiency, and escorted me across the spacious room with high ceilings, through an entry into a smaller, darker room, and into the bright salon.

“This is where you will have your manicure.” She turned and left me standing, staring at ten vacant manicure tables which looked more like a sterile medical unit.

Questions swirled around my head. What should I do now? Where should I sit? Why was I asked to show up 30 minutes early? Shouldn’t I be offered something to drink? I could feel my stomach tighten.

Murmuring and shuffling caught my attention as two women walked through a side door. Maybe they will help me.

“Hi. I’m here for a manicure at 5pm. What should I do in the meantime?”

Their eyes widened as they stopped in their tracks. One of them spoke gruffly. “You could choose a color. You will have to wait for your technician.”

After I quickly chose a color, I thanked her and asked about where I could sit. They both just shrugged their shoulders and walked away. A knot in my stomach had begun to take shape, and I could feel my teeth clench. I walked back into the smaller waiting room and spotted an empty chair. Ah, this will work!

I sat down and quickly realized I was sitting outside a busy hair salon. The sounds of mundane conversations, laughter, blow dryers, and overhead staccato rhythms hurt my sensitive ears. I was surprised no ice crystals were forming in that cold room.

I spotted an herb infused water cooler and filled a glass. I took a sip and almost spat it out. What was that taste? I took another sip to see if I could figure it out. It actually tastes like dirt! I looked at the dispenser again. Was that an entire plant in there?

The weight of my unmet expectations became too heavy. I felt my anxious security team scream inside. I couldn’t seem to calm myself down in that environment. By the time my manicure was over, I was definitely not at my best.

“How was your service today?” The warm, efficient one had no idea what was coming.

I unleashed my disappointment in what was not my finest moment.

Over the course of the next couple of hours I complained bitterly to anyone who would listen.

But all of this felt wretched. Even as I write this, I know it made me sound like a spoiled, rotten brat. Remorse fell upon me and it didn’t make me feel very good about myself. It still doesn’t.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” My husband is always a pragmatist.

I realized I needed to reframe this situation quickly. I found myself pinpointing the exact moments where I could have spoken up earlier which could have changed my negatives to a positive. I could’ve walked back to the front desk to inquire about my options until 5pm. I could’ve gone back to my room and come back later. I could’ve put on warmer clothes. I could’ve mentioned the dirt water. So many things I could have done.

That question kept coming up. Why didn’t I say anything?

I woke up in the middle of the night to at least part of the answer. I was just like my mother. This was a learned behavior.

I shared my latest insight with my husband. “At least you come by it honestly.” Once again, the pragmatist.

A wry smile was all I could muster at that moment. I was too busy deciding right then and there: I wouldn’t stop until I found my personal agency. I would find a way to speak up with just the right amount of confidence and courage to give the other person – and myself – a fighting chance of not having to feel this wretched.

It didn’t end there though.

As I was sharing this journey with my friend Penny last week, I was struck with my growing awareness that my lack of personal agency was actually a bad habit. I had just uncovered a wretched, bad habit.

Luckily, bad habits can be changed.

Raymond Prior talked about habits in his book Golf Beneath the Surface and shared a three-stage approach for breaking those bad habits. This approach was proposed and studied by Dr. Judson Brewer and his colleagues:

“...we need three conditions to change a behavior. First, we have to be mindfully aware of an unproductive habit and its elements – that’s Stage One. In Stage Two, we mindfully and directly experience the habit to see how it feels and what it does for us, which updates the habits reward value. And finally, we need to offer our brain an upgrade by giving it what Dr. Brewer calls a “better option”. That's Stage Three.”

I needed to work through this and learn from my mistakes. At least there is a silver lining here!

First, I need to identify my lack of personal agency as a bad habit. Check!

But what kind of habit was it? My provocateur was being in uncomfortable environments. My behavior was to blame others for my being and feeling like I had to stay in that uncomfortable setting. My reward was, as Prior wrote, to protect “my ego by trying to avoid being the source of my own shortcomings.”

Secondly, I need to update my “reward values” by asking myself a couple of questions about the result of my behavior.

1) What does it feel like to engage in this blaming behavior?

As I reflect on my experience, I know it made me feel wretched. I felt insecure and uncomfortable. I felt small and defenseless. I was ashamed for behaving that way towards the warm, efficient one, and for complaining to anyone who would listen.

2) What am I getting from this blaming behavior (or what does this behavior do for me)?

Absolutely nothing good. The more I complain about it, the worse I feel and I keep perpetuating the blame. I risk losing friends and losing others’ respect for me.

I need to sit with this feeling for a while to let this all sink in and remind my brain how awful this feels.

Thirdly, I need to upgrade to a “better option”. Better options include embodying groundedness through connected breathing (cue the breath-centered mindfulness practice), and interest curiosity (as opposed to deprivation curiosity). I also learned about the original RAIN approach, which was developed by meditation teacher and mindfulness expert Michele McDonald and later adapted by others like Tara Brachs which I referenced earlier.

Here’s what it looks like for me when I now find myself provoked:

R - Recognize: the blaming, complaining and making excuses for not getting what I wanted.

A - Acceptance: Ah, I’m doing it again but I don’t have to do it this time.

I - Interest with curiosity: Prior recommends a formulaic statement here: “Hmm, how interesting that I think _______ will _______ when what it really does is ________.” For me, I would say “Hmm, how interesting that I think blaming others and complaining about my experience will help me make a bad experience better when what it really does is make me feel wretched and unworthy.

N - Now or non-identify: Be present and consider what I can do right now to make my experience better.

You can read Golf Beneath the Surface for a deeper understanding of how our brains and minds work here but maybe this is enough to get you started right now.

This wretched, bad habit of blaming others for my bad experiences and my lack of personal agency is on its way out. I also have a new RAIN approach to put to good use in the future as well.

My lifeboat continues to be strengthened…

Image: Tammy Brimner