Values
I had a client end our coaching agreement due to misaligned values. While I regretted losing this client, I respected their decision to go a different direction.
Because values are important. Values represent “a person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life.” (1) Oftentimes, values are “subtle and implicit – meaning we may not be consciously aware of them until they are questioned or threatened.” (2)
Interestingly enough, our judgement of what is important in life might be relatively static, with only a few refinements or changes throughout their lives -- at least that is my own personal experience. I recently came across my list of values that I made over 20 years ago. I was surprised to see the similarities and had to smile when I noticed how experiences and learnings changed a small number of those values.
When we spend time with those with the same values, we feel safe, connected, trusted and heard.
When we are surrounded by those whose values are misaligned, we, conversely, feel negative emotions like unsafe, disconnected, unappreciated, frustrated, unheard, and mistrust.
There is something about this that makes me question whether surrounding ourselves with the same values is the best for us at all times, or even possible.
After reading this honest reflection by Chelsea Tuyttens: Unpacking my Privilege, I began to realize that to be able to change your position in life in order to move towards those with the same values is something those with privilege are able to do.
Not so simple for those who can’t.
Two more things to consider.
If we only spend time with people with the same values, how can we know if there are different values that might improve our quality of life and maybe even our community? I can speak to my own experience of being young and naive and believing that meritocracy was a value to which I held strongly. Since then, I have listened and I have read enough to know that meritocracy is not a value to hang onto with “non-meritocratic elements (e.g., family wealth, family background, knowing the right people)” hidden beneath the surface”. (3)
If we only spend time with people with the same values, how can we become strong in the face of values that are different from our own?
To me, this is like having your self-curated collection values that serve as an anchor for your life that keep us grounded, and strong in the face of struggles and challenges. And this anchor should be tested regularly to ensure it follows your own development.
I will often encourage my clients to articulate their values or principles in writing. We can then explore how those values or principles align with the choices we make and whether other values might be in our collective best interests. It can be an amazing resource for decision-making.
What values or principles are important to you?
Resources
Lexico.com. Value: Definition of Value. Retrieved from: https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/value on June 27, 2020.
Sigurdson, E. September 22, 2015. Your Values and Job No Longer Align? Get On Track! Retrieved from: https://www.leadershipintelligence.com/strategic-thinking/get-on-track-at-the-crossroads-what-to-do-when-your-values-and-your-job-no-longer-align/ on June 28, 2020.
Kim, C. H., Choi, Y. B. (2017), How Meritocracy is Defined Today?: Contemporary Aspects of Meritocracy, Economics and Sociology, Vol. 10, No. 1, pp. 112-121. DOI: 10.14254/2071-789X.2017/10-1/8
Photo: Tammy Brimner/TLBVelo Photography
