Be honest
Be honest. What doesn’t bring out the best in you?
I can tell you what doesn’t bring out the best in me. It’s the exact opposite of what brings out the best in me (which aligns with and informs my personal values) as well as some working frustrations I identified in my enchiridion.
Here is my list – at least, this is a solid start:
When I have to spend time engaging in small talk or discussions which are highly contentious
When I am not seen as a valued contributor in my community
When I am not involved in planning and designing the future
When I am physically and mentally fatigued and/or unhealthy
When I spend too much alone time
When I am too busy to be creative
When my environment is too loud and noisy
When others are constantly negative
When I have to work with others who need constant enablement, are inconsiderate and exploitative of others, refuse to get involved or make a decision, or treat me with indifference or ignore me.
As I reflected on this list, I saw both external and internal drivers. External drivers make it easier to point my finger elsewhere and say that is the reason I’m not at my best. However, I am struck by how much of this is affected by how I feel or what I sense that day, or in that moment… because we do both have emotions and awareness or intuition.
For example:
I don’t feel confident.
I don’t feel calm.
I sense a negative energy in my current space.
I just know something is off intuitively.
How I feel or what I sense is driven by at least four things:
Dr. Marti Olsen Laney has written about introverts as more aware of their feelings and are aware of stress sooner and more intensely.
Marti has also described highly sensitive people (which could be either introverts or extroverts) those born with a certain cluster of traits that is often described as a sixth sense. They are extremely perceptive, intuitive, and observant, with finer discrimination than most of us. I strongly suspect this applies to me, unless I am just a finely tuned introvert ;)
What I feel is a direct result of my thoughts, which are a direct result, as Dr. Raymond Prior writes, from my previous experiences (which are wrapped in emotions) which inform my core beliefs (which may or may not be supportive) and what I choose to focus on.
Menopause. Need I say more?
What stands out for me right now is how my core beliefs are surrounded by my emotions – they arise out of experiences and their associated emotions and they lead to other emotions.
In reading Dr. Phil Parker’s Get The Life You Love, Now again these past few days, something else crystallized for me. Both Phil and Shirzad Charmine talk about sabotaging strategies or our saboteurs, which Shirzad described as the “invisible inhabitants of our minds” which we develop early in childhood “in order to survive the perceived threats of life, both physical and emotional.” These saboteurs are my negative core beliefs. I began to see these saboteurs like emotions – if I let them captain my ship, then this is not supporting my wellbeing.
I think it is an interesting exercise to explore Shirzad’s saboteur list, which he created after seeing consistency in different traditions and writings (at least that is what my memory holds but I can’t find the reference right now). You can even take his free test to uncover your saboteurs.
Here is his list:
The Judge: The universal saboteur which activates all other saboteurs and is the one who makes you feel guilty, makes you worry, and makes you focus on the wrong things and what is wrong with your life.
By the way, we all have the Judge in us. And the Judge never works alone. There is always one or more accomplices:
The Avoider: Do you focus only on the positive and pleasant, avoiding difficult and unpleasant tasks and conflicts?
The Controller: Do you need to control everything with high anxiety and impatience when this isn’t possible?
The Hyper-Achiever: Do you depend on only those activities which provide for constant performance and achievement in order to feel self-respect and self-validation?
The Hyper-Rational: Do you have intense and exclusive focus on the rational processing of everything, including your relationships? Do others tell you you are uncaring, unfeeling, or intellectually arrogant?
The Hyper-Vigilant: Are you continuously anxious about everything that could go wrong?
The Pleaser: Are you constantly helping, pleasing, rescuing or flattering others, indirectly trying to gain acceptance and affection? Are you resentful that your own needs are not being met?
The Restless: Do you find it hard to just sit still and be content with the current activity? Are you feeling restless, constantly in search of greater excitement in the next activity or constant busyness?
The Stickler: Are you always trying to make everything perfect? Do your friends and colleagues complain that you are a perfectionist and always take your need for order and organisation too far?
The Victim: Do you become overly emotional and temperamental in order to seek attention and affection? Do you keep your most painful memories in mind?
The best possible news here is that we can work with our saboteurs to bring them into balance, and lessen their hold on us…
When we can find purpose.
When we can expect the unexpected.
When we can embrace the power of good enough.
When we can find space for our emotions.
When we can find peace.
When we can be both of service to others and supportive of ourselves.
When we can enjoy the stillness in the present.
When we can find beauty in the imperfections.
When we can engage our personal agency.
Doesn’t that sound better?
I know I just focused on core beliefs right now – and not on how as an introvert I experience stress more quickly and intensely, or how I might be a highly sensitive person, or how I’m post-menopausal. But knowing about all of this helps me understand better what takes the wind out of my sails (so to speak) and keeps me from showing up at my best.
That just means I have a bigger responsibility to choose to be in environments which support my best and to choose to be even more mindful when I am not… and to create an environment if I can’t find one that works for me. Oh, and one more. I have a responsibility to choose to focus on the core beliefs which support my wellbeing.
Be honest.
What is holding you back and what is getting in the way of your vision to the best possible version of yourself?
Are you ready to take responsibility and make some choices?
I believe in you.
Resources
Charmine, Shirzad. 2012. Positive Intelligence: Why Only 20% of Teams and Individuals Achieve Their True Potential AND HOW YOU CAN ACHIEVE YOURS. Austin, TX: Greenleaf Book Group Press. (p.62)
Laney Psy.D., Marti Olsen. 2002. The Introvert Advantage: How Quiet People Can Thrive in an Extrovert World. Kindle Edition. (p. 44, 295)
Parker, Phil. 2013. Get the Life You Love, Now: How to Use the Lightning Process® Toolkit for Happiness and Fulfilment. Hay House. Kindle Edition.
