Where did my values go?
Tara striving for excellence on the golf course
“What are the handful of words that matter most to you?”
That question posed in a book I was reading made me stop in my tracks, grabbed my attention and took hold.
I took a deep breath or two.
Okay. Integrity. Authenticity.
Wait a minute. Didn’t I already write down Connection and Community in my enchiridion?
Don’t get me wrong. Those are all good words and they do matter to me.
I couldn’t let this go. I felt there must be something more.
There were two other ideas rolling around inside my head at the same time that arose from reading that same book, Golf Beneath the Surface by Raymond Prior.
One of those ideas was pondering how we, as humans, come to know things via two paths: declarative knowing or learning which is “knowing about something and understanding it conceptually”, and procedural knowing which is “knowing something through our direct experience”. Dr. Prior wrote about it in this way:
“Mindfulness awareness, used to connect with your direct experience, allows you to merge conceptual understanding with your direct experience. And when these two paths of knowing merge, concepts and experiences become wisdom. Wisdom leads to credibility and sustainable change.” (p.80)
Wow. That’s pretty powerful, isn’t it?
My daily affirmations crept into my forethoughts. Were these just declarative statements? That was disappointing to consider. Let’s stay curious, I told myself. I set that aside to percolate.
The other idea was about positive affirmations being “unstable sources of confidence” because they only help temporarily:
“Studies observing brain activity and brain chemistry show that positive affirmations activate pleasure centers in the brain and produce a quick flood of neurotransmitters and hormones – dopamine and serotonin, to be exact… Unlike mindful behaviors, [positive affirmation] produces brain activity and a chemical rush that fades away quickly once our skills are tested under meaningful or difficult conditions.” (p.134)
I pulled my daily affirmations out of percolation to further contemplate whether these were just an unstable source of confidence or declarative knowledge.
Let’s consider where that list came from. I had started to build that list in 2013, a silver lining from an experience working in a toxic work environment. That list became my guide to every major decision I made after that.
Then it became clear to me.
My daily affirmations are actually “the handful of words that matter most” to me. These are my values, “a succinct articulation of what matters most” to me, “especially when faced with challenging conditions and choice points.” (p.224)
Dr. Susan David was Dr. Prior’s inspiration for that brilliant question at the beginning of my journal post. She talks about values in her book Emotional Agility as “qualities of purposeful action that we can bring to many aspects of life.” (p.288 of 668). She sets out other characteristics of values which I found enriching:
They are freely chosen and have not been imposed on you.
They are not goals; that is, they are ongoing rather than fixed.
They guide you rather than constrain you.
They are active, not static.
They allow you to get closer to the way you want to live your life.
They bring your freedom from social comparisons.
They foster self acceptance, which is crucial to mental health. (p.289)
I guess that is why I keep refining my list. I’ll now be adding integrity and authenticity because these are important to me and allow me to get closer to the way I want to live my life.
What else will change?
I am going to reframe my practice of daily affirmations to a practice of daily checking in with my values to ensure my actions and choices reflect the best of me.
I feel good about that.
Image: Tammy Brimner
