High-Conflict Personalities
“The only difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is the way you use them.”
-- American Proverb
Interpersonal conflict.
Something we experience regularly.
Normally it is nothing to be feared. In my experience, interpersonal conflict typically arises out of missing information and an over eager ego. If I can find the missing information and take my ego out of the equation, conflict can typically be resolved. Thus finding the difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones. I figured this out during a summer I participated in a Conflict Theatre program at UBC.
I also learned though that some interpersonal conflict must be managed over a long period of time if a relationship is to be maintained.
There is a memory I keep with me of a conversation with an employee and family assistance program (EFAP) resource for managers. I was advising a department head on how to deal with an academic colleague who was constantly facing grievances from graduate students. The students’ stories were similar -- bursts of anger, followed by expressions of love, and phone calls at all hours at home. The EFAP resource was sympathetic but offered no magic wand. He told me I should ask for a raise because this situation could not be fixed -- it could only be managed. That is not what this department head wanted to hear.
Over the years, I have noticed how a perfectly good leader can be taken down (i.e. fired) or significantly impacted and/or rendered helpless by one disruptive individual on their team. It usually only takes me one or two conversations with that leader to identify signs of what Bill Eddy calls a high-conflict personality.
I first learned about the term “high-conflict personalities” through the Academic Leadership Development Program at UBC where Sally Campbell, lawyer and mediator extraordinaire, taught the cohort about conflict management. She referred to Bill Eddy who was both a licensed clinical social worker and a lawyer specializing in conflict resolution. It was after becoming a lawyer, that he began to notice that the claimants displayed similar behaviour, and in some cases were undiagnosed personality disorders. He developed “the high-conflict personality theory to explain the driving forces behind people who present the most challenging behaviours.” (1) Sally’s summary of his work was, and still is, a well used resource of mine.
Eddy’s theory is that high-conflict personalities present challenging behaviours that create conflict for others because they themselves don’t have the ability to resolve or manage conflict. Eddy describes their tendencies as follows:
All-or-nothing thinking (one person is all good, another is all bad)
Unmanaged emotions (exaggerated anger, fear, sadness -- out of proportion to events)
Extreme behaviour (yelling, hitting, lying, spreading rumours, impulsive actions, etc.)
Preoccupation with blaming others (people close to them or people in authority)
Sound like anyone you know?
Probably.
What I love about Bill Eddy is that he even has a practical method for responding to, and thus better managing, such individuals which has a great acronym: BIFF.
BIFF stands for brief, informative, friendly and firm.
Responses to Blamespeak, Eddy’s term for the language of high-conflict blaming, should be:
Brief - normally 2-5 sentences will suffice.
Informative - straight, useful information, without opinions or defensiveness.
Friendly - phrases like “Thank you for telling me your opinion on this subject” or “I appreciate your concerns” or “I hope you have a nice weekend.”
Firm - make it clear this is all you have to say on the subject; some cases might require providing two clear options for future action.
Responses should also avoid admonishments, advice or apologies. By avoiding these three things, you are less likely to provide the high-conflict personality with any further ammunition.
I highly recommend Eddy’s book BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email, and Social Media Meltdowns for great examples of actual responses in a variety of situations as well as advice for crafting and reviewing the drafts and what communication channels to use.
He even provides advice on how to coach someone to review their draft responses effectively by asking them to carefully consider each of the guiding principles from above as well as how they think the other person will respond, would they change anything in their draft, and would they like to hear the coach’s thoughts on it. Eddy believes the coach should never tell the person what to change but to always get the person to try it themselves first. This is because each situation is unique to the individuals involved and there is no one right answer.
Those with experience will often say that 10% of your people will take up 90% of your time. With Bill Eddy’s resources and recommendations, I can foresee that 10% taking up significantly less time as well as reducing stress for everyone involved.
Resources
https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/bill-eddy
Eddy, B. 2011. BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email, and Social Media Meltdowns. Unhooked Books. Scottsdale, Arizona.
Photo: Tammy Brimner/TLBVelo Photography
