Learning how to live with my anxiety
Oh, how my journey continues! But I am learning how to live with my anxiety. For some reason, I felt it was important to add the “how”.
On December 30, 2023, I wrote in my journal: “No anxious security team for two nights in a row.” My security team had become a high performing security team.
Those two days were like heaven to me. I was present, active, and secure… mostly. A little voice inside my mind whispered, “It probably won’t last, though.” Maybe. But maybe not. I tried to be optimistic.
The next night I woke up to a gentle nudge on the left side of my lower chest. It was as if Amy was alerting me to something I was missing. I felt her pointing up. All of a sudden, I realized I was grinding my teeth–without my bite guard. I hope my dentist won’t hold this against me!
I have been grinding my teeth for years. My dentist begged me to wear a bite guard at night to protect my teeth. It took me a while to adapt, but I finally acquiesced. I remember asking him why people grind their teeth. He looked at me with compassion as he mentioned stress. It might also be because of my misaligned lower and upper jaw. I remember writing this down and packing it away.
But now my teeth grinding was back under a microscope.
I immediately thought about how this would show up in my fictionalized story about the insiders in the system. I had a little conversation with the insider responsible for grinding my teeth. I asked him what his name was, maybe George? He shook his head. Well, what about Jordan? I asked. Jordan and the Rocks? (Because he worked at the mill which used grinding rocks at the Port of Sustenance.) He then flipped his hair back and cried out. My name is Diamond! Diamond and the Pearls! Our conversation continued with nothing of consequence except to tell me Amy’s full name was Amy G. Dala. But nobody ever called her that. Ever.
When I woke up later that morning I realized that Diamond was part of my security team, and was definitely related to Frank and Harry who live in my upper chest and my belly. I would later make the connection that my grinding is sometimes a direct result of indigestion, which is a direct result of not getting enough fiber, water and physical activity. Hmmm. Quality nutrition and physical activity are key components of wellbeing. Maybe that was the message?
Later that day I felt new lines of anxiety with tightness in the middle of my upper chest as well as a localized spot on the left side of my upper chest. There has been silence in response to my curiosity. I will remain patient.
One of the beautiful gifts of this journey is the acceptance and trust I am giving to myself. That was a gift from my counselor. Whatever comes my way, I will stay true to myself and the knowledge I have to work through this.
Photo by Tammy Brimner/TLBVelo Photography
