Upon Reflection

Heading in the right direction

I am finding a new rhythm in life. I am feeling more balanced, more secure and more fulfilled – than I have ever felt before. And it is beautiful!

This gives me pause to reflect on how I got to this point.

In the past year and a half, I have experienced some tough times, like a bike crash and concussion in August 2022 which had serious implications for my body, my brain and my mental health, menopause that fall, another bike accident in March 2023 (which aggravated some functional memory loss and misaligned my hips), a summer burnout in 2023 followed by an October flu shot, which turned into Covid-19 and a root canal, and let’s not forget my anxious security team that demanded more and more attention from me. I have also experienced fatigue throughout this period and still feel it to some degree today. It’s hard to pinpoint its root cause, wouldn’t you say?

Can you see how my life was ripe for transformation? It would have been a shame to not take advantage of this opportunity.

Now, I wish I could tell you there was a magic wand which tipped the scale in my favour. Sadly, that wasn’t the case. It was a variety of things which lay upon one another to create this new space for me to be at my best. At least, that is how I see all of this.

I will walk you through each “thing” which I think made a difference. (Of course, you can choose to sit through this if you so choose.)

To begin, I already had a number of well-being practices in my “toolbox”, like meditation, mindfulness, yoga, cycling, hiking, a little golf, journaling, and breathing practices by the time I experienced my bike crash in August 2022. I also had what I considered to be a healthy dose of self-awareness with my regular saboteurs identified and sometimes managed.

During the pandemic, I was also drawn to the study of modern day trauma treatment through the NICABM. I gained a better understanding of how our brains and minds are wired and how trauma shows up in our bodies. I think I was unconsciously searching for healing already.

All of this created a strong base for me to work from. Here’s what I added:

1) I read The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Trauma and Adversity by Nadine Burke-Harris and learned about the key ingredients for well-being and healing from toxic stress. I began to focus on building these ingredients into my life with greater intention.

2) When I owned up to the fact I was living with anxiety, I began to study everything I could about anxiety and effective treatment programs using mindfulness and without medication.

• I rewatched every anxiety course from NICABM that I had purchased and bought a new one: How To Work With Anxiety. (You would have heard about this one in my first journal post about anxiety.)

• I learned about and adopted the RAIN practice.

• I also explored adult attachment styles, as well as self-administering the adult attachment interview. I spent a lot of time thinking about childhood memories and discovered roses among the thorns. I also was able to begin to see some distinctions between the real thorns and those which were… well, understandable and forgivable under a new light.

3) I began talking about it with my husband in late October with “I think I have a problem” and his compassionate listening and encouragement to get help. I expanded my conversations to close friends.

4) I talked with my doctor. She stopped typing when I broached this topic. I remember wondering about who I should talk to – a psychiatrist, a psychologist, a counseling psychologist, or a counselor. She admitted she didn’t know either, but she could offer me 8 free counseling sessions through the Vancouver Coastal primary care network. I would have been crazy to turn up that offer!

5) I have had three sessions so far with an amazing trauma counselor. She has opened my eyes to ways of thinking and doing which have changed my life. She helped me solidify my RAIN process. I learned to accept the gift I am giving myself and where I can choose to engage or not. I have one more session booked. I suspect we will bring this to an end at that point.

Sidebar: Sometimes I find myself treating Shiba like he’s alive, which might be another problem I should deal with. Or maybe I will just accept Shiba as the source of safety and comfort that he is, and let that go.

6) I read The Art of Possibility by Zander and Zander which helped me unpack and repurpose what I had discovered about myself and my experiences. My inspiration for doing so came from this quote about our experiences on p.48:

“[The stories of our lives are] all invented anyway, so we might as well invent a story or a framework of meaning that enhances our quality of life and the life of those around us.”

7) I began writing a fictional story about the insiders who live in my system who had to deal with everything I was going through. It gave me immense comfort to imagine I wasn’t alone and a fun distraction as well. Here is a little teaser.

8) I began documenting my journey through journal posts and newsletters. While the pandemic brought mental health into the spotlight, we all have a role to play to keep it there.

9) I am still reading The Brain That Changes Itself by Norman Doidge which is helping me see how what I am doing is allowing my brain to create new maps to allow me to retain and sustain this new rhythm. Because neurons that fire together wire together. At least I hope that is what is happening!

10) I also experienced full body reflexology and massage with Orly for the first time at Enhance Arts in Vancouver. The tension release was amazing, and I am now a convert.

11) I recently had another full body reflexology and massage in Palm Springs. My “muscle whisperer” Sam identified three areas of concern in my body without me telling him what I already knew. He then encouraged me to eat chia seeds (to fight inflammation) and crispy seaweed (for thyroid support), drink apple cider vinegar (to fight indigestion), and drink more water (for kidney support). I decided to give this a try since it is natural and I can stop at any time. To begin, I drank an entire bottle of water on the drive home and am doing my best to keep up my water intake. I started with the chia seeds last week so I could test its effects on its own. I felt a growing calmness in my abdomen and a noticeable change in the intensity and frequency of my indigestion. This week I added apple cider vinegar. Things are starting to shift. I still need to find the crispy seaweed, but I have time ;)

Whew! That’s a lot to work through, right? Can you see how motivated I am? It’s like working through a multi-step program to improve my life.

To close, I want to share with you a personal adaptation of a quote from Zander and Zander:

In doing all of this, I’m lifting myself off the success/failure ladder and spiriting myself away from the world of judgment and blame into the universe of possibility. This is a framework which allows me to see all of who I am and be all of who I am, without having to resist or deny any part of myself.

I feel like someone should yell “Amen!” at this particular moment.

Is my journey over? Definitely not. But I feel like I’m heading in the right direction.

Photo: Tammy Brimner/TLBVelo Photography