The best gift to give yourself
I was out for a walk with a dear friend and the topic of positive self-talk came up.
“Are you talking about Dale Carnegie positive self-talk?” She asked with more than a hint of wariness. Or maybe it was hesitation. Or just plain old scepticism.
I responded with a “maybe” because I don’t know much about Dale Carnegie.
We talked about how positive self-talk has a negative connotation for many — for some reason. Maybe because it doesn’t seem logical. Or it seems too airy-fairy.
I have been working on improving how I talk to myself for more than a decade. I was primarily focused on removing negative self-talk. That was an important step. However, I was only scratching the surface. I recently tapped into the importance of finding better ways to manage past hurts attached to some pretty strong core beliefs. I needed a different approach to reach that much deeper.
Then I proceeded to give her an example of how I am learning to talk to myself with greater compassion.
Hi Sullivan.
That is what I call my nerves (aka not my anxiety which Dr. Raymond Prior explained is a fear-based emotion). I find it helpful to give them a name. I address Sullivan like I would a dear old friend.
Thank you for being here for me. I’m so glad you are here. I know I wouldn’t be here without you looking out for me.
It is so important to acknowledge that part of me that works so hard to assess dangers for me. I used to want to push Sullivan away. Now I know I need Sullivan – I just need Sullivan to take a timeout when I can stay in the present and recognize there are no real or perceived threats.
I am also so grateful that you and I share the same vision: For me to be the best possible version of myself and in the service of others. I know we have been coming at this from different directions and now I see an opportunity for us to work together to make this happen.
Then I need my inner coach to step in to sometimes remind me: You have the knowledge, emotional strength, and personal power to achieve anything you put your mind to. Now tell me, what do you want?
My inner coach always gives me positive affirmations and a good open-ended question.
I want to be super calm and incredibly confident.
Amanda Ashley, my coach, gave me the simple words of “calm and confident”. I loved that. I was encouraged to add the amplifiers.
My inner coach then tells me that’s perfect, and asks me how am I going to do that.
I then proceed to describe my vision in detail to myself — that is, I visualize what super calm and incredibly confident feels like. This is a work in progress right now and is quite personal for me.
I found reading Dr. Tara Swart’s The Source to be helpful in furthering my practice of visualization. I’ll include the following quote from her book here:
“Visualization is not just about creating an image of what you want but also about imagining what it would feel like if you were really in that picture. Everything from the taste in your mouth (the taste of success), the smells around you (the fresh paint of a new home, food-related smells in a certain career, your favorite perfume for special occasions), what you are hearing (applause, congratulations, music) and, hugely importantly, the physical feeling in your body of achieving this (how does happiness or confidence actually feel?). The more we practice this, the more likely we are to start noticing when it is happening, or the things that are associated with moving us closer to that ideal.”
My friend was quiet for a moment when I finished. I savoured the silence and didn’t push any further as we slowly sank our steps in the sand. When she spoke, the hesitation and scepticism fell away. She saw the possibilities for her to speak with herself — her depression and her 11 years of sobriety — in a different way. A kinder, more gentler way. A deeper way.
That felt pretty powerful.
For myself, I notice how I often feel calm and confident at the end of this conversation. We have this chat as often as is necessary.
I remember one of my conversations with a trauma counselor who reflected back to me about learning to talk with myself in a more compassionate manner: “What a beautiful gift you are giving yourself.”
I have to agree.
That leaves me with this question for you: What gift are you giving yourself?
Resources
Amanda Ashley: https://amanda-ashley.com/
Parker, Phil. 2013. Get the Life You Love, Now. London, UK: Hay House.
Prior, Raymond. 2023. Golf Beneath the Surface. Dallas, Texas: BenBella Books, Inc.
Swart, Tara. The Source: The Secrets of the Universe, the Science of the Brain. HarperCollins. Kindle Edition. (p. 62)
Wildflower, Leni and Diane Brennan. 2011. The Handbook of Knowledge-Based Coaching: From Theory to Practice. San Francisco, CA: John Wiley & Sons.
